Horror Rants – Ghost Tits (ft. Olivia Munn)
Ok, Olivia Munn, you have to be one of the coolest/funniest chicks that is in the entertainment biz. Check out this parody horror trailer featuring the “Wonder Woman”, Ghost Tits!
Forget The Sopranos, Meet the Vampire Mob!
“We are all famous to a few people.”
He’s a hitman and a vampire, and he just found out his mother-in-law is moving in for eternity.
Got your attention yet? Good, because this catchy title is what first intrigued me into taking a further look into the webseries that is the Vampire Mob. Created by writer/director Joe Wilson, Vampire Mob is a unique blend of crime and comedy of the intelligent kind. No slapstick here, but genuine laughs provided by Wilson’s smart and witty scriptwriting.
Lending to the entertainment value of the show is Don Grigioni (John Colella) who plays the smart-ass, vampire hitman in which one of his priorities, aside from watching his own back, is to provide food for he and his wife Annie Grigioni (Reamy Hall); food being blood. Subsequently, since Don’s mother-in-law, Virginia Jones (Marcia Wallace), is moving in, Don’s task of bringing home food has become daunting. No man would want to upset their mother-in-law, right?
Virginia, now a creature of the night, thanks to Annie turning her (yes, her own daughter) for what seems to be a pretty smart idea; Virginia is now able to provide Annie and her sister (who is a non-vamp) the long-term/life duty of being babysitter to their children, granted she doesn’t go out in the sun. Of course, there is the matter of the fangs which will undoubtedly scare the kids. But fear not for prior to being turned, Virginia was relegated to using false teeth, that’s right dentures.
Now in it’s Second Season, this is merely a taste (no pun intended) of what Vampire Mob has to offer!
Vampire Mob is not to be missed; the great camera work, acting and writing for the show displays just how this could be a show worthy of being on television and not just on the web; it is truly a good time!
1, 2. Freddy’s Coming For You…
…. as soon as he’s [clears throat] hands free…
Man Food – Egg Salad Sandwich
For when you don’t know how to cook and the wife is not around…
Man Food – Mac N’ Cheese!
What do you get when you’re bored and hungry? You get Man Food!
Bizzaro Fan Fiction: Quarter Life – Halfway to Destruction
Ya just gotta love fan fiction generated by young, aspiring authors. Why? Simply put, because they have yet to hone their skills as writers and give us a very humorous and entertaining read (all unintentional of course).
One such writer who has gained internet “success and infamy” for being such a
terrible “creative” writer is Peter Chimaera. Thanks to Peter, a slew of video game mods have been created in “cinematic” fashion featuring words as originally written by Mr. Chimaera. For example, here is one of my favs, Quarter Life: Halfway to Destruction. Below the video, make sure to read the original text (NOTE: the misspellings are not typos):
Uncycylopedia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and dontn’t know where come but I decide to write anyway.
CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IT MEANS
Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried.
Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said “Gordon Freemant what are you working on”
“UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty”
Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword. He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut
“Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks”
” HAha” They laughed
“Whait oh no where id isotop?”
“UIt is been stoled!”
CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON’T
Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said “I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!”
“NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!” Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there.
“IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS”
“TOO LATE” and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize
“Ew must escapes out of here fastly” but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons.
CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT
“This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!”
And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean.
“Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission”
“Not so fast, Mr. Gordon”
What happens next? You deiside!
Tahnks for reading please buy my book at peterchimaera .com i am poor
Here is another version of the vid:
GREAT MOMENTS IN BITCH SLAPPING! VOL. 1
1.) Dumb-ass sitting next to me whispers (loudly) to girlfriend/date/fellow teeny-bopper – “I hate to say this, but I think “this” is going to happen.”
Proceeds to tell her what he thinks is going to happen —-> 15 minutes later, said thing happens (which was obvious). Whispers (loudly) to girlfriend/date/fellow teeny-bopper – “Yep, I called it!” (Mentally, I stood and gave him an ovation)
2.) Every single night-time scene in the movie – Audience stirs and mumble nervous jargon to one another. Whispers echo throughout the movie theater in 7.1 surround sound:
I thought everyone would embrace the night scenes instead of dread them, defeats the purpose of film. What the hell did you expect!?
4.) Silent, ambient moment in the film —-> Some jerk – “Boo!” (he and friends chuckle as if it were funny) I clench my fists, close my eyes and take a deep breath!
5.) After “Night #5″ in film, various establishing shots of cameras setup throughout the house/property are shown for, you guessed it, the fifth time. Again, dumb-ass sitting next to me whispers – “Yeah, yeah, we know you have a front door! Yes, we know you have a pool. Let me guess, kitchen? (kitchen shown on screen and he lifts his arms up in frustration and shakes his head) See, I knew it!” (Mentally, I toss an imaginary grenade in his direction!)
7.) Jump scare moment —–> Girl seated in front of me is so “jolted” that she presses her seat back violently and into my knees! I bite my tongue. She doesn’t turn around to apologize, instead she giggles with her tweeny friends!
8.) Silent Moment in film —-> Again, jerk in the back of the theater shouts, “Boo!” A good Samaritan shouts, “Not funny!” Tween girlfriend responds with, “Yes it was!” (friends chuckle)
9.) Film concludes, FADE TO BLACK. Audience is left in darkness for what seems like a few minutes – 7.1 Surround Sound again form the audience:
Of course, nothing happens! ROLL CREDITS!!
I’d like to personally thank the “Tweens” of Poughkeepsie, NY for nearly ruining the movie experience for me. Good job guys and gals!
Panic Grips NYC!
NYC tenants are engulfed with fear as there may be a potential strike by… wait for it… Doormen! That’s right, rich sophisticates throughout NYC may be forced to do the unthinkable, open doors for themselves, operate an elevator and even take out their own garbage! It is unfathomable and the thought simply breaks my heart! Good luck rich-folk and I pray that, if there is a strike, it will be a swift one! Godspeed!
Fall of the Hero: Crime Doesn’t Pay… Much
It’s no wonder that with the recent writer’s strike, many Superheroes found themselves without work. With no work and no sign of the end of the writer’s strike, many of our beloved Superheroes have hit a rough patch, and some, rock bottom. Boat loads of money, international fame, and lots of free time equals a recipe of drastic proportions.
Heroes are no strangers to random acts of violence, but when there are sitting on the opposite side of the fence, can we turn the other way and forgive them? Are they indeed only human after all? No, says superhero psychologist Dr. Igetz Payde of the Yager Alfonz Okstrat Krietz University in Stockholm, Sweden, or YA OK for short. Unfortunately, “No,” was the only comment we were able to obtain from the famed psychologist. It is now a question of whether or not this is something that the citizens of the world should be concerned about or not. With super-human strength, these individuals have a wider destructive capacity than the likes of your average human.
Chewbacca wasn’t the only one causing a ruckus after a night out of partying. Captain America, seen here, was arrested after drunk driving and crashing his motorcycle into the house of arch-nemesis, the Red Skull. “My wife and I awoke to a loud noise that came from our downstairs den. When I went downstairs, Mr. America used his shield to lift himself from the ground but couldn’t even manage to do that. So I called an ambulance and the police to get him the fuck out of my house,” recalled a still distraught Mr. Red Skull. Life has never been the same for Mr. America after rising from the dead. It is often reported by friends and families that he wished his “asshole” friends would have just let him rest in peace.
Batman was also reported to be making the rounds in Gotham City. A freelance cameraman was able to catch Batman, now known to the world as Bruce Wayne of Wayne Enterprises, being escorted into a police vehicle after exposing himself to a young female who took note of his over-exaggerated nipples of his costume. After making her comment, the disoriented Batman/Bruce Wayne responded, “If you think those are big, take a look at this!” Upon where the caped crusader dropped his tights and exposed himself to the young woman who, after a brief moment of Zen, snapped to her senses and waved down a passing police cruiser. The Dark Knight resisted but ultimately fell to the ground after not being able to walk with his tights still wrapped around his ankles.
also hit rock bottom and have been seen parading around town looking for any
in as he has been spotted posing for various photographers in what one can only speculate as a shot at modeling. Seen here, picture to the right, Wolverine gives the camera his best smile for “Boytoys” magazine.
The not-so-popular Plastic Man has been wandering the streets of New York and putting a decent price tag for people, mostly tourists, to pose in a photo with the lackluster hero. I asked a tourist if they knew who they were posing with and one Frenchman responded with, “I have no flucking idea who the fluck he iz! Some kookoo American!” A few months after this photo was taken, Plastic, formerly known as Plastic Man, was hired by CEO of Re-Cycle, Captain Planet himself, who is best known for magically appearing after combining the elements that spewed from the rings of third world rejects… and a white dude.
Top Honors for the “I’ve Hit Rock Bottom” awards has to go to, without a doubt, the Man of Steel himself, Superman. In what has been considered a “dumb-shit” move by white supremacists and (addressing Superman) a “Sone-of-a-bee” by Klans Leader Iama P. O’Shiet, Superman has proved to the world once again that he is, for lack of a better word, soft. Feeling the pressures of today’s society, The Man of Steel, has changed his race in what is being hailed, in what was once considered impossible, a successful surgery. Richard Pryor is being touted as one of the only black men to have been saved by Superman and as a result, Rev. Al Sharpton has publicly accused Superman of being a racist on numerous occasions. Superman responded with a personal speech read on live television that was broadcast over the world and after referring to black people as “them” or “they” on more than one occasion, popular consensus revealed that Superman indeed was a racist.
After the public outcry, Superman withdrew from society and was nowhere to be found. Reporters camped out at his luxurious home, that is the fortress of solitude, but no sightings of the superhero was reported. Reports later indicated that superman retreated to his home in Smallville, where he was pampered by his now resurrected, still-dying mother. It wasn’t until the storm calmed that the Man of Steel made his first public appearance as the “New” Superman.
Superman claimed that he loved all people of all colors and that the decision to become the “new” superman was made in order to prove to the citizens of the world that he was not a racist. Needless to say, Superman is still unemployed and Lois Lane would not return his phone calls.
Alas, the writer’s strike has ended and we may, once again, be seeing some of our heroes on the big screen. There is nothing left for these struggling Superheroes to do but slavage what is left of their careers and pick up the pieces. Humans across the planet await their saviors with open arms! The world will, hopefully, one day be safe again from the terrors that be and would be. Rejoice all! for the time of the heroes is here yet again!
[All pending charges for the aforementioned accused (see above) are still awaiting a court date]