Rant

So it took me about, oh, let’s say all freaking day to get my portfolio page up and running! Creators of this theme help? Negative, got someone from Hostgator.com (which is my host) to help me out. Headache now gone.

After putting my intentions of watching Fringe to the side with the usual, “Egh, I’ll watch it eventually.” Well that turned into two full seasons missed. No longer the case as I have officially finished Episode 1 of Season 1. Even prior to the conclusion of this episode and only about 5 minutes into the show, I was already digging this new show. I said the same thing at the episode’s conclusion as I did in the first 5 minutes of the show, and that is, “Wow!”

With the near conclusion of Lost I can only thank my lucky stars for finally giving this show a shot as I intended so long ago. Truly, and only judging after only watching one episode, I think it is safe to say that this show is a gem and listed in that rare list of good television. Not surprisingly, J.J. Abrams name is attached to the show which only heightened my excitement.

Of course, watching this show was very reminiscent of watching Chris Carter’s X-Files, only this seems to be much better and action packed, not to mention greatly written.

The only I that I can ask myself is, what the hell took me so long to jump on this wagon!? I’ll try and figure that out some other time. Right now, on to episode 2!

With the slew of friends, family and co-workers having babies, there is the inevitable question that all couples must endure when they have spent a lengthy time together, “Sooooo (has to be long and drawn out), when are you two having a baby?” I can’t but help roll my eyes and think to myself, “If I had a dime for every time I’ve been asked that question….” I’d probably be about $10 richer.

Still, such a question makes me wonder and, deservingly so, begs to be answered. I think I’m ready to have a kid. But, just the mere fact that I say, “I think,” makes me wonder if, indeed, I am ready. My wife and I would joke about making a baby after getting home from watching a movie, or, having a romantic dinner at the Chinese Buffet (kidding). I warn her by saying, “You know what that means, right?” In no way, do I condone, unprotected sex, unless of course you are happily (and faithfully) married, or are in the planning stages of starting a family. She cringed a little at the thought, as did I, as neither of us has ever been in the situation, sometimes predicament, of planning to have a baby.

How do I know whether we’re ready or not?

There is the usual and vague answer, “You’ll just know when you’re ready.”

Really?

My impression of being ready was always: A.) First and foremost, make sure you married the right person, B.) Be on the right path for a long and prosperous career, and C.) Have a house ready with a nursery painted either blue, pink, or yellow. I have one out of the three (married the right person). But my search for a career path has hit a wall and I’m having a hard time breaking through. There is, without a doubt, no question that I want to provide for my family and fear of not having career would hinder that idea. I have reached a point in my life where I am at the brink of giving up on my dreams, not completely, but pushing it to the side a bit. Running into that brick wall has not stopped me from doing anything, instead, it has actually lead me to take action, take a step back and finally see reality for what it is.

Sometimes, a dream is just a dream, always with you, out of reach and plays in your mind like déjà vu. At the moment, my main concern, and priority, is simply pursuing a career path that would enable me to provide for my family.

Of course, none of this has come to fruition. I have no child. However, simply talking about having one frightens me. Does having a child mean that my life would be over? According to some people that I know, yes, it is over, but, as they would say, “It’s totally worth it!”

Is it?

I am not where I want to be, I haven’t lived my life to its fullest, I still want to travel, sleep, watch what i want to watch on TV,  etc, etc. I still want to live my life. In a way, I may have answered my previous question of whether or not I am ready. But then there’s one thing that is creeping up behind me and I’m afraid that it will catch up to me and my wife.

Age.

I’m not getting any younger, but most importantly, neither is my wife. However, she is a few years behind me so she is OK for the time being. I, on the other hand, will be hitting one of many milestone ages this coming year… the big 3-0. Although not old by any stretch of the imagination, I do realize that I am arriving a little late to the party. What worries me the most is that, by the time he/she is old enough, I would be too old to be fully active with him/her. I suppose I just don’t want to miss out on doing anything with him or her.

This is my “predicament”. To have a baby, or not to have a baby. That is the question! I can see that my wife is unsure as to whether or not she, herself, is ready for a baby when we are discussing the “planning stage”. There is no doubt that she wants a kid but, like me, she still wants to live her life before most, if not all, comes to a screeching halt. I understand her. She is highly motivated, ambitious and full of aspirations. I really don’t know when, if ever, those traits will slow down or go away. Until then, the only thing I can do is listen to the “experts” and those who have recently discovered the meaning of parenthood. I suppose, in the end, we really will know when we’re ready, not just I.

Ok, so I was recently diagnosed with MS and have not been around for quite a bit due to the fact that I was very weak and was suffering from double vision. Yay, fun. I wish I could say that I have fully recovered but I’m not there quite yet. Almost, but not quite.

If I may, I’m going to vent a little. A lot of post-graduate students from college often find themselves asking (at least I did two years after the fact) Was it worth spending all that money in college?

Of course, there will be those that say yes, but I often find myself talking to a lot of people who think otherwise. Most of those same people are in the same “business” as I am; the dreaded retail business. I sort of fell into that “trade”. To keep it short and simple, I needed a job immediately after graduating and a relative of mine happened to work retail. He got me a position and I’ve been there ever since, and by “ever since” I mean six (6!) years. It’s depressing thinking about it. Sure, there’s always the Why don’t you just look for another job? bit. Problem is, I have been looking for other jobs, but in my neck of the woods (somewhere in between Upstate New York and NYC) there just isn’t much. I guess I can commute, but in order to do that I will have to be making a hefty salary and getting a hefty salary seems to be a dime a dozen these days. Sure, I make OK money, but just as all things in this world, sometimes it’s just not enough. The fact that I found myself in debt virtually a semester into college certainly does nothing to help my situation. I’ve accepted that I will be paying student loans for a good portion of part of my life, however, there’s a little thing called growing up that comes with an even bigger, I think, underestimated facet called, responsibility. Let’s all say it together slowly, reespooonsibiliiity. Of course, being responsible becomes inevitable in any human beings life (unless you’re filthy rich and can pay someone else to handle those responsibilities), but is there, and should there be, a point when you can just say to hell with it all? We are all doomed from the moment of inception!

To say that life isn’t fair is perhaps one of the greatest understatements ever. Sure, I sound bitter, but I think everyone is entitled to be so every once in a while. What am I bitter about? At the moment I am bitter that Ashley Dupre, a high class prostitute, is gaining such notoriety for A.) Being the love girl of a prominent NY Governor, and B.) … um… being the girl toy of a prominent NY Governor (Click to Read Article). I said the same thing, didn’t I? Hmmm, it’s probably because that’s just it. There is absolutely nothing about this young woman that should capture the interest of an entire nation. She might as well be Paris Hilton! (Who I am still trying to figure out exactly what she has done to gain such popularity and public appeal.) More power to her, I suppose. I’m sure she’s really a nice girl… Million dollar deals, her song being played on the radio, magazine covers and who knows what else the media has in store for us. Maybe I should whore myself for $5500/hr although I doubt I would be as popular unless I did magical things such as Ms. Dupre. What other way could I describe it? She must have been performing miracles that made Christ himself ask, “Goddamn! Who taught you how to do that?? Is it really that easy?? Not for me it isn’t.

I did my time. Went to a four year university, got my B.A. Degree in Communications/Media Study with a concentration in Film. Aha! Alas, now everyone gets it! The dreaded ,”I want to make movies” dream. My concentration was in film but I still had to take liberal arts just like any institution. So, in retrospect, I still acquired an education as good as our system is capable of. But why is it that I can’t find that “dream” job or even that “It’s not what I want to do but it pays very well” job? Where are they? You know, I think I may know who has the answer to that question. Apparently, everyone around me! Here are just of the things that I’ve heard over the course of the last couple of years and some of my responses:

• When are you going to make a movie? When you give me the money to fund it.
• Don’t forget me when you make it big! And you are??
• Can I be in your movie? (See first question)
  
• Why don’t you just write a script and send it to Hollywood? That sounds like a good idea! Why didn’t I think of that?
  
• You need to put yourself out there! I’m trying! (Not nearly as much as I should be)
• I know somebody who knows someone. And? He did something in a movie or show, or something. I can’t remember. Okay. (and that would be the end of that, this supposed person will then cease to exist.
• OR I know somebody who has worked in (insert random position here), you should call him/her. And say exactly what?
• Just be a cop.
  

It’s not to say that I have not listened to some of these advices, they just usually turn out to be dead ends. There was one avenue that perhaps I should have taken advantage of, but it just wasn’t for me. More on this in an upcoming blog.

What hurt the most was the fact that there were a lot of people who had faith in me and even believed that I would make it. It’s still possible, I mean, anything is… right? It wasn’t up until recently, at the tender (and I use the word tender loosely) age of 27 that I decided it’s time that I start doing the theings I always wanted to do rather than just talking about it, sort of like this blog. It is something my best friends and I have spoken about but then kind of got lost with the hustle and bustle that is our lives. It is now that I said EF it! Let’s just do it. And I think sometimes all you need is a little self motivation. I’ll tell you what, you end up feeling better about yourself, if not, then at least productive. My biggest problem thus far in my life is that I was never a go-getter and those are the type of people that get left behind. I don’t want to be left behind anymore and I think it’s about time I start playing catch up. Sure life is not fair nor is it easy, but as the old cliché goes, you make the best of life with what you have… or something like that.