Reviews

Alas, the “Titatanium Spork of the Gods” has arrived! Never before have I been able to achieve feats that were once unattainable. For the first time I was able to eat with a spork and not have have it snap under the weight of my food; no more prongs breaking off only to join the mish-mash of mashed potatoes and being accidentally swallowed, stabbing at my esophagus as it careens toward my stomach. The invention of the spork is that of a genius – combining the spoon and the fork so that only one utensil goes into the dishwasher afterwards instead of two. Absolutely genius!

Ok, ok! The Titanium spork was a prize in a contest I won via Slices of Bizarro, the website of author Jeremy C. Shipp. Along with the spork came the e-book Aberrations. Aberrations features short stories from an array of writers edited by Jeremy that certainly makes for an interesting read.

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“We are all famous to a few people.”

He’s a hitman and a vampire, and he just found out his mother-in-law is moving in for eternity.

Got your attention yet? Good, because this catchy title is what first intrigued me into taking a further look into the webseries that is the Vampire Mob. Created by writer/director Joe Wilson, Vampire Mob is a unique blend of crime and comedy of the intelligent kind. No slapstick here, but genuine laughs provided by Wilson’s smart and witty scriptwriting.

Who can refuse a good, independent horror short? Especially one that is coming from fellow horror bud Joe Lopez of The TerrorScribe Blog and TerrorScribe Mafia Films. To boot, it is shot in black and white and is inspired by horror author H.P. Lovecraft. “Annotated” is an official selection of the 2011 Unnameable Blood Bath Film Festival. View the trailer below:

ANNOTATED

A rare book dealer receives a strange book with a small note that reads only, “The world must know.” As he attempts to decipher the contents, he finds himself faced with deeper and darker levels of occult knowledge that chips at his sanity.

“Annotated”, a short film of Lovecraftian horror adapted from an original story, is the first film by a dedicated collection of first-time film makers. Calling themselves “the TerrorScribe Mafia,” the group is made up of writer/director Joe Lopez, cinematographer Keith Bates, makeup effects artist Tammy Dupal and producer Stacia Langenheder.

“Annotated” is also an official selection of the 2011 Unnameable Blood Bath Film Festival which will be held August 20th at the historic Texas Theater in Dallas, Texas.

Help spread the word!

After years of putting it off, I finally decided to go to the self-proclaimed Number #1 Haunted Attraction in America! Really? This place was sure to impress, right? These claims were not the main catalyst for my high hopes but, rather, its high ticket price of $33.00 a head! Yeah, that’s a bit steep. Having paid so much, I wanted, NAY, I demanded to be frightened and get my money’s worth!

After arriving to the grounds, which appeared to be some sort of farm (the smell of horse manure corroborated my suspicions immediately), my wife and I were greeted by an endless sea of young adults and college students. This, of course, was to be expected, even on a Sunday night. The moon was full and the mild chill in the air did not detract from the night’s event. We acquired our prepaid tickets and went on to what is perhaps the crappiest part of the attraction – the line (s).

Bing horded in like cattle, it took us almost an hour and a half to finally reach the first portion of the attraction – the “Haunted Hayride“.

The hayride featured a vehicle very much like the one pictured on the left. Now, in order to get the good seats, sitting on the ledge of the flatbed, I apparently had to make a dash for ‘em, which I did not. Because I wasn’t the Flash, I had to sit dead center of this very hard and uncomfortable wooden flatbed adorned with loads of semi-wet hay.

Being that this was supposed to be scary and was supposed to provide for some jolting scares, the tractor moved about 5 MPH through a dark path into the woods so that everyone can squirm at costumed actors as they tried to frighten many of the passengers with “Boos!” and “Arghs!” . Thankfully for me, it seemed to last all of 15 minutes (sarcastic)! It was one of those rare instances where I wish I was more flexible and shorter than I actually am so that I could “comfortably” sit in the yoga position. Needless to say, I could not sit in said position and was in excruciating pain for the duration of the ride. Adding to the pain was my wife, who ditched me and is apparently the female Flash! She was able to get a good seat and every time there was some sort of “scare”, she would lunge backward and unto me where I had to exert of all of my energy and strength to keep me from falling back and unto a stranger’s lap. Did I mention this tractor was going up and stopping on hills? OUCH!

The moment I had actually been looking forward to was the arrival of the Headless Horseman himself. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect night for him to make his appearance what with the full moon and all. Having already been disappointed with the scares thus far, I had high hopes for the headless horseman. Our guide rambled on and on about some story or another about escaped dead convicts and dead prison guards as we rode through. To be honest, all I heard was Snoopy jargon, “Womp, womp, womp!!” as my attention was elsewhere, pinpointing each scare to myself before they happened.

What I did hear was, “He’s here, the Headless Horseman!” Yes! My excitement grew and like a little child, stood straight up looking over the many heads of those with good seats so that I may catch a glimpse. Then, there he was! The moon shone behind him as he made his way through a large, empty field of grass and towards the wagon. It was the Headless Horseman, but he wasn’t as scary as I had expected.

Branding a clearly visible plastic sword and with the body of  a 17-year old boy, the dainty horse galloped towards our vehicle. All the onlookers were silent, not one scream or squirm. It was actually pretty funny as the horseman waived his sword at the faces of unimpressed onlookers as if begging for someone to show some sort of fear – no one did and the dainty horse galloped away into the night.  He didn’t even have a pumpkin which I would have preferred to a plastic sword!  FAIL!

After the hayride, we reached – wait for it – another line to a series of haunted attractions that included The Lunar Motel, The Blood Inn, The Dark Harvest Cornmaze, and other mini-Haunted Houses. In total, there are seven haunted attractions in one!

I have to admit, however, that despite the lack of scares, at least for me, the Headless Horseman Hayrides & Haunted Houses attraction did feature an impressive array of props, costumes and sets that truly showed me where their ridiculously high ticket prices were going towards so I can see how it can be a truly frightful experience for some. There was also a small custom built town within the grounds that featured small cafes and gift shops.

I mean, just because it wasn’t scary for me, doesn’t me it’s not scary to someone else, primarily a child. But, I will give credit where credit is due and I tip my hat off for the effort at scaring me and the great sets and animatronics. Still, I will probably never do another haunted house attraction ever again being that they are A.) Extremely overpriced and B.) Have yet to find one that is scary (only one I’ve been to that kind of creeped me out was in a place called Nightmares in Niagara Falls, Canada)

So, is the Headless Horseman the number #1 Haunted Attraction in America? Not according to these other websites:

Haunted House Magazine – 6. Headless Horseman

Haunt World – 5. Headless Horseman

Haunted House Rankings – 6. Headless Horseman

Fangoria – 9. Headless Horseman

OK, so it’s in the top 10! Still, false advertising just pisses me off!

We are at a funeral. Two coffins lay atop the grass, moments before being dropped in to their respective graves. Distraught woman has flashback.

Parents encourage 20-something-looking year old daughter to go out because “it’s been a while since you enjoyed yourself. Just make sure you’re home by 11:00 PM sharp!” Daughter goes out to a club… alone. Hmm, already know we’re not dealing with a smart girl. Oh, father is in a wheelchair, by the way.

We see clock read: 11:00 PM… sharp! Dad is in bed while mom sits at kitchen table downstairs. We see smoke rising from a tea kettle. “I think there’s a gas leak,” yells dad to his wife who is already passed out on the kitchen table who was apparently reading a newspaper in the dark. “Drama” unfolds and parents die. Oh, and, daughter meets a man at club, dances with him and then goes to a car and has sex with him in backseat. Not only is she not smart, but she’s also a little loose! Mom and dad die because of her broken promise of not making it home by 11:00 PM. Oh the guilt!

Back to the funeral, the woman can no longer bear the guilt and, dramatically, runs to her car where the “ghost” of the club-lover is waiting for her, clearly ducking inside the car, where her passenger door is open for no apparent reason! He looks her straight in the eye, face full of malice and says to her, “Wasn’t that better than a night at home with the folks?” I slapped my forehead!

She throws her keys on the floor and runs home I guess. She gets home and has a slew of flashbacks and ghostly premonitions of her now dead parents, who died with foam at the mouth for some reason. After all these ghostly visions, she calmly walks to the mirror and begins to take off her makeup. What?!?

Again, she sees her zombie-like mother through a mirror and apologizes to her mom where she responds by lifting her arms towards her as if to say ‘give mommy a hug’!

Our heroine immediately runs outside and gets into her car! I slapped my forehead again! Didn’t she leave her car at the cemetery? She drives until day becomes night, all the while having flashbacks and ghostly visions of her dead parents, usually consisting of the same scenes!

More driving, more driving!

Then she almost runs over a hitchhiker. She apologizes and offers the man a ride who, coincidentally, is headed the same way she is (her parents cottage). Small chit-chat, guy yells, “Look out!” Don’t know why but I guess she was driving way too fast at about 40 MPH (I know because they show the speedometer).

They reach their destination, no power in cottage, guy breaks in and helps her restore power, she kisses him on the lips as he is leaving the cottage! Really!? Oh yes, she is loose as was established earlier. Woman “attempts” to commit suicide, has dinner with stranger, sees ghost girl from lake who later pulls innocent fisherman into water (don’t ask why because I really don’t know), gets into mild argument with stranger where we see hints of slight madness on his part, then go skinny dipping together (fully clothed for some reason) in middle of the night! Best part is that it all takes place within the first 30 minutes of the movie!

I slapped my forehead really hard this time!

O…..M…..G! (Oh My Goodness! For those not internet-talk savvy) 30 minutes is where I drew the line and was long enough to deem this movie one of the worst movies I have ever seen! It was so bad that I felt inclined to rate this movie on IMDB (Internet Movie Database). Ghost Lake failed on so many aspects that it is not even funny but, rather, very sad. From the acting, plot, script, special effects and even the music were bad. I am a fan of independent film but only where there is some hint of effort. It comes across as if the filmmakers simply wanted to make a film for the sake of making a movie, possibly making some quick cash by distributing the movie (chances are they actually lost money!)

By no means can I claim that I can do better than this… actually yes I can! There is really nothing more to say about this movie other than stay away… very, very far away! Do not rent this garbage, do NOT waste your time! As you can see, I couldn’t even get past the first 30 minutes of the movie! The only other movie that I did this with, thus far, was The Lost Boys 2. Heed my warning and do not watch this film! Harsh, I know.

0/*****

Exclamation, exclamation!

After putting my intentions of watching Fringe to the side with the usual, “Egh, I’ll watch it eventually.” Well that turned into two full seasons missed. No longer the case as I have officially finished Episode 1 of Season 1. Even prior to the conclusion of this episode and only about 5 minutes into the show, I was already digging this new show. I said the same thing at the episode’s conclusion as I did in the first 5 minutes of the show, and that is, “Wow!”

With the near conclusion of Lost I can only thank my lucky stars for finally giving this show a shot as I intended so long ago. Truly, and only judging after only watching one episode, I think it is safe to say that this show is a gem and listed in that rare list of good television. Not surprisingly, J.J. Abrams name is attached to the show which only heightened my excitement.

Of course, watching this show was very reminiscent of watching Chris Carter’s X-Files, only this seems to be much better and action packed, not to mention greatly written.

The only I that I can ask myself is, what the hell took me so long to jump on this wagon!? I’ll try and figure that out some other time. Right now, on to episode 2!

So I had a chance to watch the new Valentine’s Day chick-flick, not because I wanted too, rather, because my wife has been dying to watch this since it was released in the theaters. Naturally, it was the one chick-flick movie I adamantly refused to watch, well, because I had a distinct feeling that it was going to be a doozy. I was right.

The entire film takes place on, yes you guessed it, Valentine’s Day! It follows the entwining stories of… there are so many characters in this film that I lost count. If you are into sappy films and just love hearing the phrase “Happy Valentine’s Day!” more than 80 times, then you should see this movie, although, I’ll be honest, I had no idea as to what the basic premise of this movie. It goes from one couple to the next, one single to the next, and like usual Hollywood fanfare, the end result would be the same, happiness!

Of course, there were moments that were “true-to-life” where not everything is honky-dory! But, being that this movie took place in one day, i really find it hard to believe that some of the more serious issues that were portrayed in the film would be solved in a matter of hours! No, too “fantastic” and unbelievable! Also, it was pretty predictable as this is the type of “sappy” movie that all has already seen and it has become all too familiar. I was shouting about what would happen next and, unsurprisingly, it would soon unfold. Of course, my wife was far from flattered.

I’m the first to admit that the romantic-comedy/chick-flick is not my favorite genre, but I don’t mind watching one from time to time. There are some that even surprise me and I am mildly entertained. Valentine’s Day, however, failed… miserably. I say skip this one and if you really want to watch it, wait until it comes out on cable, or even TBS/TNT where they’ll most likely have a marathon of  the same movie all day for your viewing pleasure. Oh, and make sure you are extremely bored before venturing out and watching this movie. Sorry, but an all-star cast couldn’t save this one.

**/*****

Look into the future! Have fun! I have already looked into the future and, without actually reading this book, I can bet anyone this book is not just a waste of time, but a waste of money! Let me give you a little idea as to what a typical page in this “book” consists of: “HELLO“. That’s one entire page! Wait, it gets better. Page 2: “A“. That’s it! The book devotes 784 pages which consists of the alphabet, the numbers 0-9, the words, “YES”, “NO”, “HELLO”, and “GOODBYE”, all of which can be found on an actual Ouija board. The concept is simple, ask a question, flip through the pages and the “book” will give you your answer!

On a recent trip to a large (and famous bookstore, starts with a B & eNds with an E), the thick paperback book caught my eye for two reasons: one, being that I am a fan of the paranormal and two, the massive thickness of the book caught my attention. I opened the book and immediately was taken aback at the absurdness that someone in their “right” mind would have the audacity to publish such an atrocity and really is testimony to what these corporate big-wigs think of the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the American people! It’s insulting!

So, I bought it.

No, no, I’m kidding. My curiosity did peak and decided to try its supposed mystical powers. So I asked it a question. Will I find a new job in the upcoming new year? I flipped through the pages and the book responded with an answer. According to the book, the answer is “H” – “X” – “C” – “GOODBYE” – “7″ – “6″ – “H”. Er ok, but what did I expect? Exactly what the “book” responded, gibberish!